Humor

Tips for Those Who Tipple With Words


What would we do without those gems that turn up in church bulletins?

The fasting and prayer conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on Water.   The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.   Don’t forget your husbands.

The Peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Don’t let worry kill you off.   Let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Jimmy Jenson and Marie Carter were married last Sunday at the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

There will be a hymn singing tonight in the park across from the church.  Bring a blanket and prepare to sin.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet at 7 p.m.   Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the church.  Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

Our Associate Minister has unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”

And there’s always television and newspapers and magazines:

…concern for the safety of pedestrians walking around on San Francisco’s streets.

…if an employee’s work shows a demonstrable decline.

They went off independently on their own.

An Oakland man who killed his wife and then shot and killed himself has died.

Poachers have killed a northern white rhinoceros in Zaire for the second time this year.

Neither Johnson nor his body have not been found.

I saw her just last week watering her grass with her dog.

He said he used “speed” to help him remember things from the past.

With the exception of a few chickens, no humans were hurt.

Three flocks of sheep have been ordered destroyed by USDA officials, who could be carrying mad cow disease.

Pundits, politicians, and–yes–even obit writers just have to say something:

She was employed as a homemaker.

Some homeless have jobs but still can’t afford affordable housing.

We want to continue this discussion we’ve been talking about.

You can’t plan for the future–and I don’t care if you’re for growth or against it–unless you do some planning.  (This actually from a newly-elected, former  mayor of Lodi.)

Contributed by Jim Turner – Lodi

About LODI360 Editor

Keith Colgan is the Editor of LODI360.com and owner of Keith Colgan Photography

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